Why rejection or getting abandoned is so often so painful, and why talking helps.

We humans have a great fear of being left alone or excluded, or of not being able to show what we are capable of, because this violates both our basic needs for connection and autonomy.

If for example a separation or verbal abuse occurs, emotional pain occurs, which in this case is caused by an unsatisfied basic emotional need for connection. The pain that occurs is processed in the brain in the same way as physical pain. The mere idea is enough for the brain to trigger physical sensations.

This happens because the nerve cells in the brain strive for the most energy-saving relationship possible. The exceptional situation (separation, verbal abuse) now causes a state of incoherence in the brain because something happens that does not correspond to our ideas. Consequently, the brain gets confused and has to spend a lot of energy sorting itself out again. That is why we often feel so miserable and weak in such a situation.

This state endangers the integrity of the brain. The brain then tries on its own to find a structure that is as coherent as possible, that uses as little energy as possible, and to bring imagination and reality back into harmony (partner is gone, I have to learn to live with it).

If we do talk therapy or mediation in such a situation, we can help to transform an incoherent state into a more coherent state. For example, by understanding the behaviour of our partner with BPD better and thus being less burdened than before, because we realise, for example, that we had no chance and can better let go of the idea that we were to blame. You can feel the energy released in the body, you feel a little better again.

As you can see, everything is good that helps you to see things from a new perspective and not to keep repeating the old ideas of how something should have been. That's also why this forum is such a grandiose help for many, they can write down their worries and get support from others to see things differently, or to persevere.